How To Start a Conversation with Anyone (Go-to Guide)

The hardest part of socializing, for many people, is how to start a conversation. However, it is a big mistake to go about life not making the first move and waiting for someone else to do it (in conversation or anything).

This isn’t to say you must always be the first in everything or initiate a conversation with everyone you see. What should be said, though, is once you get good at starting conversations, a lot of other things will progress in the way you want; such as networking and your love life.

According to a research study by the National Library of Medicine, social interaction is a great contributor to good health and longevity. ^[1]

Starting a conversation doesn’t have to be purely physical. Thanks to rapid technological advancement and the pandemic, people have embraced online communication. Here are a few simple tips on how to start a conversation.

Benefits of Learning How to Start a Conversation

The first thing is you should acknowledge why it is a good thing to be able to initiate conversations with strangers or people who you don’t know well:

• You look more approachable if you are comfortable approaching others.
• Meeting new people physically or on social media means developing a network of friends or peers which leads to more knowledge and experiences.
• You explore beyond the perimeters of your comfort zone

You can only learn so much alone, and I’m sure you’re aware of the benefits of learning from others. Being able to distinguish the ‘good from bad’ amongst a group of people will help in building a suitable network, or making a fun night.

All people are good in their own way. Being able to have a good time with anybody is a worthy trait and something to discuss another time. However, if you have a specific purpose while in social situations, you may want to stick with people who are suitable.

This means distinguishing between people who might suit you and your ‘purpose’ from those who probably won’t. This can require some people-judging, which I am generally very opposed to. However, this does make approaching people all the more easier.

It helps to motivate the conversation if you really want to know this person. Also, you’ll find your circle of friends and peers grows to something you really like and enjoy.

The Rules

I don’t have many rules in this life, for conversation or anything; but when it comes to approaching strangers physically or learning how to start a conversation online, there are a few I’d like to use.

1. Be polite. Within context, don’t be a creepy, arrogant loudmouth or anything. Acknowledge that you are in the company of strangers and don’t make anyone feel uncomfortable. First impressions mean something both physically and in the online world. New research by ScienceDaily found that first impressions are so powerful that they can override what we are told about people. ^[2]
2. Keep it light. Don’t launch into a heartfelt rant or a story of tragedy. We’re out to have fun.
3. Don’t be a prude. This just means relax. This isn’t a science and conversation isn’t a fine art. Talk to people like you’re already friends.
4. Be honest. Be yourself. People can tell.

Who To Talk To?

How do you start a conversation with someone? I’m of the ilk that likes to talk to everyone and anyone. Everyone has a story and a good personality. Some are harder to get to than others, but if you’re on a people-finding excursion like I usually am, then everyone is pretty much fair game.

That said, if you’re out at a function or on social media and you want to build a network of people in your niche, you will want to distinguish those people from the others. Find the ‘leaders’ in a group of people or ask around for what you’re looking for.

In a more general environment, like at a bar, you will want to do the same sort of thing. Acknowledge what you actually want and try to distinguish suitable people. Once you find someone or a group of people online, that you want to talk to, hop to it.

Think of a few things you might have in common. What did you notice about their dress sense?

Building Confidence

The most important part of starting a conversation with someone you don’t know physically or virtually is, arguably, having confidence. It should be obvious that without any amount of self-esteem you will struggle. Having confidence in yourself and who you are makes this job very easy.

If you find yourself doubting your worth, or how interesting you are, make a few mental notes of why you are interesting and worth talking to. There is no question you are. You just have to realize that.

What do I do? What is interesting about it? What are my strong points and what are my weak ones? Confident people succeed because they’ve learned the art of starting a conversation with strangers and using their strengths.

Across the Room Rapport

This is rapport building without talking. It’s as simple as reciprocated eye contact and smiles etc. Acknowledging someone else’s presence before approaching them goes a long way to making introductions easier. You are instantly no longer just a random person.

In my other article, “How Not To Suck At Socializing – Do’s & Don’ts,” there are things you can do to make yourself appear approachable. This doesn’t necessarily mean people are going to flock to you. You’ll still probably need to initiate conversations.

People notice other people who are having a blast. Studies have shown that emotions have a great influence on how humans think, act, and behave. ^[3]

If you’re happy and having fun, someone will acknowledge it and will make the ‘across the room rapport’ building a breeze. If you’re that person that is getting along great with their present company, others will want to talk to you. This will make your approach more comfortable for both parties.

The Approach

When it comes to being social, the less analytical and formulaic you are the better. Try not to map out your every move and plan too much. Although we are talking about how to initiate conversation, these are really only tips. When it comes to the approach, though, there are some things you should keep in mind.

Different situations call for different approaches. Formal situations call for something more formal and relaxed ones should be relaxed.

At a work function, for instance, be a little formal and introduce yourself. People will want to know who you are and what you do immediately. This isn’t to say you should only talk about work, but an introduction and handshake is appropriate.

If you’re at a bar, then things are very different and you should be much more open to unstructured introductions. Personally, I don’t like the idea of walking directly to someone to talk to them. It’s too direct. I like the sense of randomness that comes with meeting new people.

However, if there is rapport already established, go for it. If not, take a wander, buy a drink and be aware of where people are. If there is someone you would like to talk to, make yourself available and not sit all night, etc.

When someone is alone and looks bored, do them a favor and approach them. No matter how bad the conversation might get, they should at least appreciate the company and friendliness.

Briefly Approaching Groups

When integrating with an established group conversation, there is really one thing to know. That is to establish the ‘leader’ and introduce yourself to them. I mentioned that before, but here is how and why.

The leader of a group conversation is probably the more social and outgoing. They will more readily accept your introduction and then introduce you to the rest of the group. This hierarchy in a group conversation is much more prevalent in formal situations where one person is leading the conversation.

A group of friends out for the night is much more difficult to crack. This may even be another topic for discussion, but one thing I know that works is initiating conversation with a ‘stray’. It sounds predatorial, but it works.

More often than not, this occurs without intention. But if you do really want to get into a group of friends, your best bet is to approach one of them while they are away from the group and being invited into the group.

It is possible, like everything, to approach a group outright and join them. However, this is almost an art and requires another specific post.

Topics Of Conversation

Other than confidence, the next thing people who have trouble initiating conversations physically or online lack is conversation! So here are a few tips to get the ball rolling:

• Small talk sucks. It’s boring and many people begin to zone out when questions like, “what do you do?” or “what’s with this weather?” come up. Just skip it. A research study carried out by the American Psychological Association found that people benefit from deep and meaningful conversations. ^[4]
• Everything is fair game. If you are in the company of someone and a thought strikes you, share it. “This drink is garbage! What are you drinking?” or “Where did you get that outfit?”
• Opinions matter. This is any easy way to hit the ground running in conversation. Everyone has one, and when you share yours, another will reveal itself. The great thing about this line of thought is that you are instantly learning about the other person and what they like, dislike etc.
• Environment. The place you’re in is full of things to comment on. The DJ, band, fashions; start talking about what you see.
• Current events. Unless it’s something accessible or light-hearted, forget it. Don’t launch into your opinion on the war or politics. If your town has recently hosted a festival, ask what they think about it.

Exiting Conversation

Although I’d like to write a full post on exiting strategies for conversations you don’t want to be in, here are some tips:

• The first thing is don’t stay in a conversation you’re not interested in. It’ll show and will be no fun for anyone.
• Be polite and excuse yourself. You’re probably out with friends, go back to them.  Or buy a drink. Most people will probably want to finish the conversation as much as you.

Likewise, you could start another conversation.

Conclusion

Starting a conversation is one of the best ways to develop your communication skills and build your network. You can only learn so much alone. So the next time you find yourself in a room or online group full of strangers, find someone who looks open and friendly, and simply say, “Hi! How are you doing?” Then confidently steer the flow of conversation between the two of you. You just might find yourself networking with a key player in your profession or making a new friend.

If you’d like to learn more tips about starting a conversation, this guide maybe useful for you: How to Talk to Strangers Without Feeling Awkward

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com